Healing The Mother Wound

I write this now after arriving in the middle of the night in an ashram by the beach in Kerala. I feel like this journey is a culmination of 50 years of my life. Sometime in the next few days, according to divine timing, the pinnacle of this journey into myself (at least as far as I am aware of) will surely happen in some unexplainable, unforeseeable, mystical, magical way.

As children, we are born and raised surrounded by certain energies given out by the adults who raise and nurture us. Like sponges, we soak up this energy; we work with it subconsciously and along with the choices we make with this energetic foundation this molds us into the person we become. Being filter less and innocent we have no idea if these energies are functional or dysfunctional for our healthy development. Its just the way things are. We think it’s normal and that this is how the entire world feels like. That is, until we experience something that snaps us out of our ignorance and opens our eyes to the bigger picture. I believe that this kind of shattering is nothing but Divine Grace. Here is how it all began for me.

THE MOTHER WOUND

I was working as a hatha yoga teacher and married with two kids. On weekends I worked as a professional belly dancer performing in my hometown of Manila, Philippines. I used to occasionally dance in an Indian restaurant with a lot of pictures of Hindu Deities in the walls. One day on the way to the dressing room a small portrait caught my eyes. It was of a black skinned goddess with a skull necklace, drinking blood dripping from a severed head with a blood-soaked chalice. Because I couldn’t stop looking at her, I took a photo with my phone and made it my screensaver. This is how Maa Kali entered my life.

A few months after that I lost my job. Soon after that I lost my marriage. When my marriage fell apart and to keep from going crazy took an overseas job in Dubai and the rest is history. Kali had kicked me onto the right track to who I am today. But that is another story.

Let’s go back to me, in my 30’s coping with a crumbling marriage. As women usually do in times like this, I went to the salon and got a haircut. Then I came over to my mother’s house for lunch. She took one look at me and said “I don’t know why you even bothered to cut your hair? You’re just like me, you don’t actually care how you look so why waste your money?” My jaw dropped because whatever positivity I felt about myself at that point was just ripped away – again, by the one person I would really have liked to comfort me at this moment. I picked my jaw off the floor and said “Mom, can you even just once say something nice to me when I need it? One compliment, some encouragement, anything!” To which she replied “Why, this is how my mother raised me and I turned out ok.”

Compassion filled my heart for her as new understanding dawned. This isn’t even her. It is passed on from mother to daughter. For how many generations has this happened? This was the shattering that started my quest to heal the mother wound.

The mother wound is defined as a subconscious disassociation or distortion in your relationship with your body, others, and planet earth due to incompletions around being nurtured and loved by your biological mother. Mother wound symptoms are: low self worth, swinging from codependency to being too independent, fear of rejection, fear of abandonment, self sabotage, addictive tendencies, boundary issues and difficulty expressing emotions. The mother wound also manifests in individuals as an overwhelming sense of inadequacy, fear of abandonment, difficulty forming healthy attachments or a persistent need for external validation. The mother wound also affects your relationship with the material universe so other energetic symptoms are lack of abundance, low immunity and lack of feelings of safety. Which ones manifested in my life? All of the above. For the next 20 years, without knowing that all these issues are related, I started the journey towards healing.

IGNITE THE FIRE OF LOVE WITHIN

I was married to an alcoholic. This was nothing new and completely normal because both my father and my grandfather on my mother’s side drank a lot. Being married to an alcoholic is not easy but I was also attached to taking care of him and emotionally dependent on this dynamic. Even when he started getting addicted to Methamphetamines and Cocaine which changed his personality. Even when he was seeing other women; even when he would disappear for 2 weeks without a word. One day I called his best friend and I was crying on the phone. He said “You know, there is something called co-dependency. This is an emotional attachment to someone with an addiction. You feel responsible to take care of this person and you are in fact addicted to this pattern of behavior. What you should do is treat yourself the way you deserve and leave.” I had no idea what he was talking about and even felt offended by what he said.

This is about the same time I was training for my 200hr Hatha Yoga Certificate. The kind of yoga that I was doing at that moment was called Anusara Yoga. The founder of the practice believed that opening people’s hearts is the number one priority of hatha yoga and should be the emphasis of the practice. We did a lot of backbends and heart expansion techniques. My favorite expression from the practice was “melt your heart” because I really felt like my heart was an iceberg that needed melting.

One day our trainer asked us to choose a yama to practice for one week. A yama is an ethical code of behavior to make your social interactions more harmonious and is the cornerstone of the yogic lifestyle. I chose “Ahimsa” which means nonviolence in body, speech and mind. “No problem” I said, “I am a loving being who cares for everyone unconditionally, piece of cake.”

The next day my husband came home drunk at around midday and started shouting at me and my 2 children. At one point it got so bad that I felt I needed to defend us, so I punched him in the nose. He then came after me and broke mine. The children were screaming as he repeatedly hit me and in my calmest voice I told them to go to the park and come back after a few hours. We both passed out in a pool of blood.

When he woke up I was typing on my computer and I had my good side facing him. He did not remember what happened and asked me why I didn’t go to work. I turned around so he could see why. He started crying and we made up telling each other repeatedly how much we love each other. I blamed myself of course and looked within to search for what I did wrong to make it happen. If our choice of action determines the result of our life what could I do differently? The answer was clear: Ahimsa which on the flip side means being compassionate in every bone of your body. I decided to practice ahimsa in every way possible to see if it would make a difference. I realized that the person who mostly needed a good dose of ahimsa was me.

The next weekend he did it again. In the middle of his insults, I remained in my heart center and calmly made him breakfast. I walked calmly to him with the plate of food while his anger was lashing out in waves. I looked him in the eye and spoke from my heart “Would you like some breakfast?” Immediately he shifted and thanked me, and started eating after which he passed out on the couch.

This was such a big moment of learning and empowerment. I realized things did not have to be this way. The moment I was able to shift within from anger and fear to love had flipped some kind of switch inside me. Love is something that needs to start from inside your heart. It then radiates outwards into the world. In Anusara Yoga we call it “inner body bright” and this is the principle of all backbends.

With the fire of love inside me now lit, I realized that if I was going to truly love myself, I had to remove myself from the situation called my marriage. As a codependent in a relationship with an addictive personality it is a very hard thing to do. It’s just like an addiction. I needed help. So, I prayed to God. I closed my eyes and said “Dear God, please help me remove myself from this violent situation. I know that the reason why this situation is violent is because violence exists inside me and that violence is manifesting in the physical world. So here is what I am going to do God: I am giving up meat and becoming vegetarian. If I want to remove violence from my life, I need to start inside of me. This is my vow God and in return can you please give me the strength to leave this relationship?”

God answered my prayer. Soon after my husband disappeared again for 2 weeks and I put all his belongings in the back of my pickup truck and drove to his uncle’s house to drop it all off with a message that we are over. He moved in with his girlfriend and I became a single mom with no support from anyone.

(A decade later after these events we became good friends. Due to his own efforts, he is now alcohol free. We have both moved on. When I started writing this piece, we also had a good talk about the mother wound and how we both needed to cope and heal from certain elements from the way we grew up.)

OPEN UP TO THE WORLD AND ALL ITS BLESSINGS

I had lost my job soon after the beating that changed my life. I did not show up to work for almost two weeks and made a flimsy excuse that no one believed. I never told anyone what had happened to me. I never asked for help. The good news was they still kept me onboard teaching fitness and yoga classes. But this was not enough to feed myself and the children and I soon found myself selling my clothes and the furniture in my house to make ends meet.

I desperately needed to change my situation. I started to reflect on how to shift internally into a more abundant state. Having felt empowered by clicking internally into self-love, I was confident that I could do the same for abundance. I realized that there were a lot of limiting beliefs along the way that needed to be smashed. I felt there was abundance all around me, but it wasn’t entering into my life. I felt the shell of poverty locking me out from the abundance of life all around me.

What I needed was to re-program subconsciously to dissolve this invisible barrier. I decided to apply a daily affirmation to call abundance into my life. The affirmation was “I open myself up to the world and all its blessings.” Little did I know the impact this has on the mother wound.

Before being born, a baby in the womb feels that their mother is the universe. Then we are born into a bigger womb known as All of Creation. But your cells don’t know that. So if there is any point in your experience where you decided to cut yourself off from your biological mother, you subconsciously end up cutting yourself off from accessing the abundance of creation that is all around you.

I had no awareness of this when I started reciting my daily affirmation. I would walk 3 kilometers to and from the bus stop from my house to and from work, reciting the mantra “I open myself up to the world and all its blessings.” At first it felt weird. Then I got used to saying it. After this I started to attempt at feeling how it would feel to actually let the world in and to dissolve a shell that at first protected me but later on started to hurt? Pretty soon I felt myself getting used to the feeling of letting the world in and being fearless about doing so.

One day my co-worker suggested I apply for work abroad as a yoga teacher because I was really doing well locally, and she convinced me that I could support my children better if I found work abroad. I bounced the idea to some of my students. Pretty soon I had a group of enthusiastic people supporting me to make it abroad. Someone owned a photography studio and offered me a portfolio at a discounted price. Upon hearing this one of my students stepped up and paid for the package. One of my students was an HR manager and helped me with my CV. My co-worker was a makeup artist and did my make-up for the shoot. Even the clothes I had used in the photoshoot were given by a sponsorship. I realized abundance comes in many ways and it’s just not about earning, saving and having a fat bank balance. It’s about having what you need at the point of need. I had no idea that this would happen. When I taught them yoga, I was just giving from my heart from a space of truly celebrating and enjoying what I was sharing. This is the key: do something because in your heart you know its who you are and aligned with your truth. If it is aligned truly the world will let you know by supporting you. 

ALL YOU NEED IS LOVE

Fast forward one year and I am having a successful career as the Regional Yoga Development Manager for a Multinational Fitness Company in the glittery city of Dubai. I lived in a villa in the suburbs with my two children whom I was raising successfully by myself. They went to an international school. I drove an SUV and swam in my pool on weekends. All was fantastic except for a dark secret only a few knew. I drank – a lot.

I didn’t realize it was a problem. One day when I was still living in the Philippines, I ran out of money so I collected all the glass bottles hidden in different places in my house and had enough money for a full tank of gas and lunch. But I didn’t think much of it. Sure, I was putting Nyquill in my beers when my husband didn’t come home but that was because I was trying to cope with his horrible behavior towards me. Wouldn’t everyone do the same thing? So what if my best friend happened to be a bartender?

In Dubai there is a zero tolerance to drinking and driving. Terribly illegal to the point of being kicked out of the country if you are caught. I had an alcoholic best friend and their girlfriend used to lock us in their apartment and walk away with the key just in case we got busted by the police. One day I was drunk driving at 3am and three police cars chased me down the highway and pulled me over. One of them wrenched open my car door and said accusingly “Why are you drinking!” Fortunately, I had the presence of mind to deny it and said my boss was working me too hard and I was super sleepy, so they drove me home.

By the time this had happened I was already attempting to heal myself without success. Why would I not be able to control myself when there was a bottle in front of me even if I could feel it destroying me slowly in many ways? The freeway chase was the last straw. Out of desperation I did something that I’ve successfully done before: I prayed.

“Dear God” I said, “I don’t know how to stop drinking but I really want to. Can you please, please help me find a way out of this one? I know I am a good person and I am helping a lot of people. I feel I am making a difference in the world. Can you help me please?” Then I meditated. I meditated and meditated, then continued to meditate. Where is this coming from? How do I feel when I am holding a glass of alcohol and what memories come up? When did I feel this way before?

I saw an image of my father holding a glass of wine and pouring his heart out to me. Then I remembered how it was always this way. I also remembered my favorite person growing up: Grandpa – how he showed me where he hid his scotch bottles from Grandma in his bathroom next to the chocolates that he kept sneaking me when Mom and Grandma weren’t looking. Mom and Grandma were always shouting, mad and upset. Dad and Grandpa treated me nicely and gave me whatever I wanted and told me how proud they were and how special I was. My Grandpa died early. My Dad was hardly ever there growing up. But alcohol was.

So, its Love that I was looking for all along. How silly of me to think love lived in a bottle of wine! Once I hit this point, I was free! The very next day I went over to my best friend, and they asked me what I wanted to drink. I replied, “A coke”. And they were shocked: “Are you ok?”. Alcohol no longer has power over me because finally my cells and subconscious know that what I was looking for can’t be found in it. Now all I needed to do was find a way for my cells to feel a love so deep and all consuming that I would be completely healed from giving my power away to any substance ever again.

MEETING MY GURU AND HIMALAYAN KRIYA YOGA

I used to teach a pranayama class every Tuesday morning in one of the suburbs of Dubai. One day one of my regular students lends me his personal copy of a book called “Autobiography of a Yogi.” He said to me: “When you teach pranayama the energy you generate is similar to the yoga mentioned in this book. I think you should read it.” It was a book that talked about the practice of Kriya Yoga and mentioned that it was the fastest way to liberate from suffering. It also detailed the main character’s search for his Guru.

I read the book and wondered whether I would have the fortunate karma of meeting my Guru in this lifetime. But then I thought, since I live in Dubai which isn’t really a very spiritual place, the odds of it are very slim. So I decided to just keep on working on myself by doing my yogic practices and meditation so that maybe next life I will be luckier. Shortly after that I am invited to a private Kriya Yoga session in one of my students houses. The teacher was a Guru from India called Dr. Pradeep Ullal.

I was expecting someone wearing orange robes and a white beard. Instead in walked a boyish looking man in jeans and a Bruce Lee T-shirt. Unexpectedly the kriya session blew me away – it was the most powerful practiced I had experienced in my life. More impressive was the compassion and authenticity of the person who I would soon call Guruji. After the session, like old friends who meet regularly in different places but doing the same work, we spoke to each other.

“Why are we moving so much?” This was the first thing I said to him in this lifetime.

“From great movement comes great stillness” This was the first time he spoke to me in this lifetime.

The movement of prana in our energy channels, when reaching a certain alignment and intensity ushers us into a deep silence and stillness that we call the zero field or shunya. It magnetizes our attention inwards and upwards towards liberation and calibrates our entire expression of self. Like a fine tuned knife you begin to cut through everything that is not aligned with your true self. The practice also re-aligns your heart’s energy and magnetizes it so that you are not distorted in your experience and expression of love.

Truly in my life I have never experienced anything more powerful than this. It helped me to eradicate completely most of the symptoms of the mother wound. Through powerful kriya techniques I was able to remove fear, anger, trust issues, addictions, anxiety, abandonment issues and more. My energy levels increased and my digestion improved dramatically. My whole body and mind was rejuvenated and I felt reconstructed like a renovated house. If you look at my photo when I was 30 I look older than I do now at 50.

What is even more remarkable is that when your channels are more open and aligned, the effect of all other modalities is amplified. What’s more, the new energetic state I was cultivating attracted many high vibrational and magical people into my life. Together we helped each other continue on the path towards liberation from suffering, with Kriya as our vehicle.

As my energy channels opened, I also gained certain abilities that were out of the ordinary. Guruji said that these are called Siddhis and I must be extra careful and vigilant not to let these things go to my head and continue to practice humbly daily. He said that the highest gratitude one can offer back to the Universe for all the blessings we continue to receive is to serve humanity in our special way. I knew for a while that my special way was teaching.

I was invited by Guruji Pradeep to share Himalayan Kriya Yoga and introduce it to sincere aspirants. This mission would take me to many countries in the world, gathering gems for Guruji and meeting so many beautifully authentic people. Soon I was part of a Global family called the Himalayan Kriya Soul Family. All of these things combined strapped me on a rocket-ship into a deepening relationship with my higher self. Soon there was no going back.

TOUCH YOURSELF WITH LOVE

After a while I moved to Bali because I felt Dubai wasn’t the place for me anymore. I was not just content with the superficiality of luxury. I craved for true expression. So in 2020, right before the pandemic hit, I found myself on the magical island of Bali. It was a totally different energy. Dubai is a desert with scorching hot and dry weather and constant blue sky. There is no fresh water and most of the water there is either imported or desalinated sea water. By great force of will of the rulers everything is organized and implemented. Bali is mild in climate with lush jungles and freshwater springs and rivers everywhere. Its people are artistically expressive and creative with a deep sense of spirituality.  You can say that Dubai was more masculine while Bali is more feminine. In fact, a lot of people call the island Mamma Bali.

During the pandemic I was training people in Himalayan Kriya Yoga in a villa in the middle of the jungle. I had an extra room so many people ended up staying with me while they studied. One such student was Mana: a thin, elven, gender neutral looking Chinese woman. She spent two months in my villa learning kriya yoga and also developing her gift as a clairvoyant, clairsentient and claircognizant energy healer. She can touch your body and your energy channels will start speaking to her and give you messages that help to unblock and realign you. In those two months spent at my villa she developed what she soon called “Soul Massage”. I was her very willing test subject.

The message my energy channels gave her is that they longed to be touched with love. The reason being that my mother did not know how and so I never got a loving touch when I was young. Its not like she did not touch me or show me love but rather when she touched me it was anger and fear she was radiating instead. My energy channels told Mana that they want me to touch them with love every day.

You might be wondering at this point why I could not just find someone who could touch me with love instead? The answer is really simple. I would most likely be attracted to someone that also doesn’t know how to offer a loving touch. This is because if you don’t have the energy inside of you, you can’t attract it from the world. To explain I would like to offer you a quote from Dr. Joe Dispensa: “We don’t attract what we want, we attract who we are.” You are the projector of your reality so you must ignite that energy within you first.

I decided to start in the shower. Instead of just unconsciously washing myself down I decided to practice touching myself with love. At first it was really weird, and I almost stopped doing it. After a while it became important to feel a loving touch and connect my heart to every piece of my body. After a while I came to this realization that if you can’t touch yourself with love, who will? After all You are the Love of Your Life.

By divine timing, while this was going on, Guruji was channeling heart expansion, realignment and magnetism kriyas. These really helped me take deep dive into knowing what love is and removed the last traces of anger and fear. With energy channels open to flow and a mind balanced in stillness there was more bliss and celebration in my life than ever before.  

WALKING WITH THE MOTHER

The interesting thing about Bali is it’s like Spiritual Disneyland where everything is possible, and your wildest spiritual fantasies can come true. Depending on your frequency and readiness levels you will get the experience that you are ready for to take you forwards in your growth for better or for worse. Fortunately for me, my dedication to Serving Humanity through my kriya teachings gives me the most excellent alignment with divine timing. My kriya practice was supported by my experience of life and things started to come my way that were incredibly healing and profound.

One of those things was Ayawaska. Someone wanted to take my Himalayan Kriya Yoga Course and they were an Ayawaska Shaman, so they paid me by giving me a free journey, which I accepted. As soon as I took the medicine, I could see with my open third eye the plant spirit that they call “mother Aya”. It was a very loving and nurturing, healing force. Soon however something much, much bigger came into my journey. Along with visions of lions came a presence. It was a very expansive and all-encompassing Love that seeped into the space between the atoms within and around me. The plant spirit of Mother Aya dwarfed in comparison with the polymorphic presence of The Divine Mother.

So, I spent the whole journey wrapped up in this torrential field of Love while I walked with The Mother. It will forever remain to be one of the most profound experiences of my life. While everyone was throwing up, I was singing and embraced by the air itself while I was Loved and Healed by The Mother or the Force or as I call her MOM. A few days before the journey my spirit guides told me that this experience was important to unlock something in the middle of my brain. When the time came, I knelt in virasana and a green laser beam of high-pitched noise shot through my brain and something popped. Then I threw up the one and only time, conveniently into the garbage can where they were putting everyone else’s vomit, which happened to be right next to me (MOM thinks of everything for you so what you need at the point of need is just there.)

 After the journey was over, I knew that I did not need to take any more of the medicine. I expressed this to the organizers in the morning. They said that maybe I was in fact resisting because most people need 2 nights to crack into deep healing. I agreed to go again and take the same balls to the wall dose I took on the first night. In 30 minutes after the dose my body rejected the medicine, and I threw it all out. While everyone was taking off, my journey was landing. On the edge of sobriety, I heard The Mother’s voice. She said, “Now that you know how it feels to walk with me don’t ever forget”. I said dreamily “I won’t MOM”. Then before winking out of my awareness, she whispered “Now, find me without the medicine.”

Soon I was completely sober. I then stood up and walked outside past the beautiful gardens and pools and sat in meditation under the starry sky. After some time, I felt HER. Love was pouring into every cell of my body. From that day forward I would talk to MOM as she is always close. I feel The Mother in every blade of grass and every atom of creation.

MAMA

For more years than I can remember I’ve had gorgeous long wavy hair. In the end of June 2023 I shaved my head and let go of 50 years of energetic karma. The next day the skin around my tailbone turned red and swollen as my energy which usually behaves like reverse lightning constantly exploding upwards, started to root down into the earth. What followed was six months of an interesting grounding experience.

The root chakra’s base element is earth. The legs are a very interesting connection with the earth because the thigh bones are like large support columns holding up the pelvis, which is the foundation of the human spine, with its root as the tailbone. The root chakra is also connected to the excretory system and the area of the lower trunk holds the normally downward flowing Apana Vayu which is the elimination wind and helps us to clear our bowels and move things out from the holes downstairs. In a more psycho-emotional way the root chakra also represents basic needs, safety, home, and family. In Tibetan Buddhism the Earth element is also tied together with all the biological wombs that you passed through to the many incarnations we have had. So all your biological mothers are included in this notion of earth element.

Right after I cut my hair, I find myself on a flight to India to spend one month at Kevala Foundation, Guruji Pradeep’s ashram for the annual 21 day Himalayan Kriya Immersion which is available for all Himalayan Kriya Yoga students of level 2 or higher. The interesting thing about that summer is that Guruji decided to spend most of it doing grounding kriyas which really improved my root chakra connection.

After this I participated in Guruji’s 10-day Himalayan trek “Wings to Freedom” to Satopant Glacier in the Himalayas. Right before our big trekking expedition everyone got a bad case of cholera from drinking contaminated water. But we hiked anyway in Kriya Warrior style. We walked for 10 days with empty bowels and expanding hearts. It was both majestic, magical and a really big challenge. When you do a lot of kriya you know what a karma-clearing purge feels like. You welcome it because you understand that at the end of the tunnel there is more light within.

A month later my parents land in Bali to spend their vacation with me and my children. One spiritual leader once said “If you want to see how far your spiritual efforts have come, try spending a few weeks with your parents.” While a part of me was bracing for impact, another part of me was planning the most amazing holiday for my father, mother and her twin sister who are in their 70s but eager to enjoy the magical island of Bali that I call home. I have another saying, “Don’t let things affect you, instead raise your frequency so you start affecting things.” I really feel that what happened next is a culmination of all my experiences that summer and the resulting shift in my frequency.

Something magical happened while I was in a car with my mother and her twin sister. We were on our way back from a local market and the two of them start talking about their grandma. According to their conversation, she was a very mean and cruel person and verbally and physically abused everyone including their mother. Then my mother remarked that even the things their mother used to do to them pale in comparison. Her sister then remarked that despite this every time their mother would start yelling at them again her whole body would shake and she couldn’t move or think.

“That’s called PTSD Auntie Sylvia” I said. “You get it when your nervous system is triggered by something related to a traumatic event that your body hasn’t been able to heal from.”

“Why don’t I have that?” said my mother “Grandma also beat me too.”

“Everyone handles trauma differently” I said gently as if lecturing to one of my yoga students “Some people store it in their body as fear and everything becomes a threat because their nervous system is switched to fight or flight all the time. So they behave very aggressively like when you put an animal in a corner.”

Upon hearing this she broke down and started crying “I am so sorry for what I did to you when you were young.”

Up until this point she has never, ever apologized for anything to me.

There is a story that I have been told about an accident that happened when I was a year old. Apparently, I jumped out of my mother’s arms while she was carrying me and put my right hand on top of the open flame of a gas stove. I needed to be rushed to the hospital. Was this what she was talking about? What really happened? Or maybe it was all the other things as our relationship was a difficult one.

The answer came a few months later. A friend of mine in Ubud was practicing facilitating a new healing modality she wanted to start serving the world with. She calls it a pain meditation. Her intuitively guided hand in combination with breathwork helps to unlock cellular memory of trauma from your body and with her open channels she channels a message from your fascia. I volunteered of course.

She pressed my left groin and pain like a line of fire shot from my right palm down across my body to my left hip. She said “I hear a child shouting Mamma repeatedly.” Then she said as she worked on me “There was a reason why you decided to cut yourself off but now its time to open yourself up”. Then at that moment I remembered: She apologized; she is heartfully sorry. I need to do so as well – I need to forgive and open up to love, so I did.

It was a process but thankfully the next week I was in Kevala Foundation again in Guruji’s ashram. The healing of the mother wound through the unconditional love of my Guruji, powerful kriya sessions and the unconditional love support and authenticity of each member of the Kriya Soul Family and the high vibrational Heaven on Earth that is Kevala Foundation was working its magic on me once again. There were tears. There was joy and bliss. I the end there was peace.

AMMA

I am writing this from Amritapuri Ashram in Kerala situated in a sleepy fishing village that has been transformed into a global center of hope and healing due to one woman’s torrential ability to love. I came here for three days to see Amma the Hugging Saint. She gives blessings through her hugs. Reportedly she has been known to give hugs for 22 hours nonstop. Why did I come? Because I understand that to truly and permanently heal, we need to feel. I needed to feel the most complete example of a mother’s love. I needed to feel the most complete example of MOM embodied as human.

I arrived late in the evening to my spartan room in the ashram filled to the rafters with devotees from all over the world all here for a hug from Amma. My expectation was that the hug would come the next day as I have been told that people who are only here for a few days get priority. I was even putting in my best effort (forcing) to make it happen. I was told that I would not be able to get a hug appointment and I would have to wait another day, but since I first got here, I could go onstage and witness other people being hugged.

This really triggered me, so I did what I thought was the best thing to do: I stood in line to order dinner from the canteen. Dinner would make me feel better right? I left the cue after one minute and headed straight for the stage. No, how can dinner ever compare to being in this woman’s presence? I thought to myself even if I am not destined to be hugged today, I can still absorb in the experience of this event.

I came on the stage which was packed to the brim with devotees. Some scrambling for position to get their hug. Others seated with eyes aiming for a gaze on Amma’s face. There were at least 5 people around her managing the crowds. “You can sit here if you want.” Said a voice to my right. One of the volunteers was pointing at a vacant plastic chair next to hers. I thanked her and sat. In a few minutes she was sharing with me how certain people were stressing her out and someone just yelled at her and then she quickly apologized for ruining my experience with her drama. I said “No worries I am probably sitting here because you need someone to lend you an ear and it’s completely ok. This is also part of the experience for me, and I am celebrating it.” The conversation shifted to Amma and the love she radiates. I mentioned to her how lucky she is to be exposed to that intense love all the time.

I must have made her feel better because after that she had others move and made room for me right beside Amma’s feet. “Here you go, you will be able to see her face better here and observe what happens to people when she hugs them, enjoy!” I decided to engage all my inner and outer senses on absorbing this scene. Sometimes I closed my eyes and used my third eye and clairsentient ability. Sometimes I opened my eyes and watched closely the eyes and faces of the devotees. Most of all I observed Amma herself.

After an immeasurable amount of time had passed something clicked inside me. She was loving the world, no – the entire Universe through each person individually. Her love for the cosmos and from the cosmos was pouring through each person one by one. To witness this happening right before my eyes snapped something inside of me. I started laughing uncontrollably, cackling with glee and clapping my hands. I tried to explain it to others around, but they didn’t seem to understand what I was talking about. I left the stage and lined up for food, but I was still laughing uncontrollably and decided to hide my face with the metal plate because everyone else seemed to be concentrating so hard on dinner.

“Love the Universe through each person one at a time.”

I am so grateful for this life practice that I received from being in the presence of Amma. In fact I was so satisfied and content that it didn’t even matter to me whether I got a hug from her or not. Sure enough once you let go of something it comes to you. I found myself in the cue the day after for a hug from Amma. When the moment came and her aids positioned me to receive her blessing I was completely empty of expectation and my mind was quiet and in zero. She hugged me and started mumbling a chant into my right ear that I did not understand. It only took a couple of seconds for the familiar, reverse lightning bolt of kundalini to explode upwards through my spine. My head flew back and I grunted. Then I opened my eyes to see Amma staring back at me and we both laughed out loud like little kids delighted by the results of a game they were playing. 

MOM is everywhere. Within, without, in the spaces between all the atoms of existence. The unified field that holds the material universe is The Mother. You could never be separate from MOM even if you tried you very best. This illusion of separation that hurts us so much can be dissolved. May this story inspire you to set an intention within. Let the pure, innocent child within you talk to the spaces between your atoms: MOM is waiting.